Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize