a queef is a wish your heart makes.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
