i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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