Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
