I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
