Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
