I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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