Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i already hear my dad disowning me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
