Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
