I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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