He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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