the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
