Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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