Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize