i jhust puked up my retainher.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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