I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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