Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We're using joints as your birthday candles
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
