Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
