woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
