how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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