don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
