My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
