I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
