Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
