Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
