They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
