Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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