So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
