I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
