If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
