you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
