she looked like the before picture.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
