i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
