he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize