I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
