dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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