I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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