You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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