Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
