It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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