you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
