got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just found a bag of teeth...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
