Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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