Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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