i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
