I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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