i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
