Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
