My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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