I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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