just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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