Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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