He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He shit in the fireplace
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