got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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