my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
