So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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