no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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